Depression a Silent Killer
Depression is a serious condition that is more often ignored and untreated. Depression to many is embarrassing and often thought of as a weakness, so many who suffer hide it. I have called this article "Depression a Silent Killer" for the reason that hidden or undiagnosed depression is torment on the inside that nobody else can see and sadly the torment becomes too much and can lead to suicide leaving loved ones in utter grief, sorrow, despair, and with unanswered questions.
When you grieve a suicide you may ask questions about God like, why didn't He intervene, or why does He rescue some but not others, will he or she still go to Heaven? I'm not here to answer these questions but I am here to share my personal story and how God's promises helped me cope with my Dad's suicide. I want to share with you how God brought healing to my life freeing me from my pain. I believe God has asked me to write this, I'm not sure why and I may never know. Therefore I am trusting God by putting my heart out there and pulling up some painful memories that I know God will use for good.
The following promise gave me peace when I asked "will my dad go to Heaven?"
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
My Story
Receiving the News
Just over six years ago I experienced something I never thought I would, something that changed me and brought me the deepest pain I have ever felt. I still remember the night my husband had to tell me that my dad had died at age 57. He didn't even tell me with his words because his face and the amount of sorrow I saw in his eyes told me enough, I just asked "who?" He managed to get out the words "your dad". I didn't believe it at first, I didn't understand because I had just talked to him on the phone a few days before. Then when I started asking and guessing how he died my husband had to tell me that my dad took his own life! At that very moment it felt like the world had stopped I was so numb that I couldn't feel anything, the hours that followed were just a blur. That night we packed and drove to my sister's house with our 16 month old. I was 8 months pregnant and was terrified that I was going to go into labour because of the amount of stress I was under. The two hour car ride was so quiet you could hear my tears drip down my cheeks; I didn't know what to think, do, or say. I couldn't get the horrible visual out of my mind of my dad using his hunting rifle to end his life. When we arrived I remember opening the door and my oldest sister coming over and hugging me and I just wept in her arms saying over and over "I just don't understand!"
Planning the Funeral
So the next few days we had to plan my dad's funeral not knowing what his wishes were. We wanted to do what he would have wanted, but when the death is unexpected without any warning you really go on your emotions and memories. This was so difficult because the three of us (my sisters and I) were grieving, shocked, and still not understanding why dad took his life. We were left with no explanation, no warning, and no knowledge that dad was living with torment inside of him. Everything was such a mess I just wanted it to be over but at the same time I didn't because after the funeral it feels so final.
The Days That Followed
Life doesn't stop even though you wish it could, because some days that followed this tragedy were so difficult that simple tasks seemed too much to deal with. I still had the responsibilities of being a wife, a mom, and eating for my unborn baby. There were days I felt like I couldn't take care of myself let alone my family. The extra stress of wondering how this has affected our unborn baby along with regular pregnancy discomforts was almost too much to deal with. Thankfully my midwife reassured me that this would not cause lasting effects on the baby which gave everyone some peace. The last month of my pregnancy was very difficult, I was so scared that I would not enjoy meeting my baby because I was so depressed; I had a hard time finding joy in anything. It's a very hard thing to describe of how my dad's death affected my son's birth. I am sharing so much about this because you will see later on how my son's birth was connected to my forgiveness and the healing that came from God.
Baby Griffin
As any mom knows when your baby is ready to be born he or she is going to come whether you are ready or not. Emotionally I was not ready but he was, so just over a month after dad's death Griffin Kenneth was born healthy and raring to go. Thankfully I had a very quick labour with no complications; God is so good He knows what we can handle. Knowing we were having a boy we picked his name early into my pregnancy, his middle name is my dad's first name and thankfully I told him while he was still alive. My fears of not enjoying my baby were gone even through my depression I felt joy and love every time I held my new baby. At the same time I felt the pain that Griffin would never get to meet his Pa Pa or play with him, or have a picture taken with him. These small things we can take for granted wasn't an option for Griffin and his Pa Pa.
Getting Help
After some time passed I decided to go to a Christian councillor to seek help on how to cope. I needed to do this not only for my well being but for my family. I just wasn't the same person I was before this tragedy, and I wasn't getting better. My councillor figured I was in shock for the first few months. After I got through the shock stage I moved into anger, that's how she knew I wasn't in shock anymore. I remember when I started feeling angry at my dad, it was when a friend of mine lost her mom and before she died she got to talk with her and spend time with her knowing she was dying. I was so angry that my dad didn't think of these things, that I didn't get a chance to talk with him before he died, I felt ripped off. My councillor helped me cope with the different stages of grieving a suicide. After my counselling sessions ended we started going back to church because sadly we stopped going when dad died. I pulled away from God feeling that my emotions were beyond repair.
The Enemy's Attack
I was starting to take some steps in the right direction like going back to church after a long break, getting some counselling, and learning to cope a little better. Although I was slowly moving forward some things still hindered my growth. Certain things really freaked me out to the point where I would be convinced something bad was going to happen, these thoughts felt very real in my mind. Every time the phone would ring an overwhelming feeling of panic took over because I was convinced that someone else had died. If you think of how many times your phone rings in a day you can imagine how often I battled this. I lived in fear that my husband would not come home from work because I was convinced that he was going to die too. I also experienced physical pain suffering from the most painful headaches that would last for days. At the time I could not see how the enemy played a significant role in all this, although after I received healing my eyes were open to what was really going on. I was believing lies which lead me to living many months in fear, I had unforgiveness in my heart which gave the enemy a foothold, and I wasn't wearing the armour of God.
A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
(Ephesians 6: 10-17)
God Brings Healing
A few years ago I use to get together with two ladies once a week and we would pray together, for many different things. One night I went to prayer night with the worst headache ever it had been lingering for days and I was fed up with the pain. So what started out as a prayer for physical healing turned into a wonderful night of revelation and emotional healing. God is so faithful never breaking a promise because He tells us that when 2 or more gather in His name He will come, well God's presence was so thick that night there was no doubt He was with us.
For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
(Matthew 18:20)
I will never forget the look on this lady's face and the tone she used when the Holy Spirit spoke directly to me through her. God spoke so loudly and clearly that it sent me to my knees in repentance for not forgiving my father because Jesus already did on the cross and how dare I hang on to this, Jesus paid the price with His blood, He left paradise in Heaven to come and die for our sins. Jesus did all that and I couldn't even forgive my father! You see I couldn't let go of the fact that my dad took his life a month before Griffin was born. I was so angry that he didn't meet him and hold him and have pictures with him knowing he was going to be born carrying his name. Griffin's birthdays were very difficult for me, I grieved because it was a reminder and then I would feel angry again. I felt that I had gone through the grieving process and had forgiven him for taking his life but this one detail I couldn't let it go. That night I repented and forgave my dad for not meeting my son, that night my headache was gone, I felt free and at peace.
I took my troubles to the Lord;
I cried out to him, and he answered my prayer.
(Psalm 120:1)
Today
Now I can talk about my dad, celebrating his life through wonderful memories. Sure there are still times during the year that I feel a little sad that he isn't here but I can pull up the memories that I have stored in my heart and be thankful that I had an Earthly father that was worth loving and celebrating. I can share stories with my children about their Pa Pa and I know some day I will have to share with them how he died, but when that time comes I trust that God will give me the right words and will walk me through that too. The questions in the beginning of this article are all ones that I personally asked, I still don't know all the answers, but for me I don't need to know anymore, because what happened on November 27, 2003 is between my dad and God. Even if I was told today why he did it, it doesn't change the outcome; my dad is no longer living with that torment, he is with God. I don't know why God didn't intervene that night, but what I do know is that God promises us that he will never leave us and when we are weak he is strong. Those promises are meant for all of His children, and because of that I can find peace in knowing that God was with my dad that night.
God is so faithful, so good, and so loving.
A Word for the Depressed
I prayed to God before I wrote this asking Him what He wanted to tell you so as I write this with tears streaming down my cheeks I ask that you give God a try when everything else has failed you. God wants you to know that He loves you and thinks you are very special!
For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
(Jeremiah 29:11)
If you battle depression and the thoughts of suicide have entered your mind I ask that you consider my story and how it affects those left behind. If you think nobody would miss you and grieve over you and your life really doesn't matter I can boldly say there would be more lives affected than you can imagine. God can restore broken relationships, bring healing to your body, and reveal to you how much He loves you. No matter what you have been through God IS bigger and He WILL catch you when you fall He WILL hold you close and love you like you have never felt before. God will do this because His love is unconditional and He created love, He IS love. So you may think why wouldn't I take my life to live with God then? You have a purpose here on Earth if you are not here on Earth than you won't be able to fulfill God's purpose in your life and if your not here you will never know your purpose. The only way to eternal life in Heaven is through Jesus, without believing He came in human form to die on the cross for your sins you will not live in paradise. I pray for all those who are reading this that you will turn to God and let Him hold you and love you and heal you from your deepest pain.
If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
(Romans 10:9)
A Word for the Grieving
Sadly there are so many of you reading this that have grieved from a suicide. I also ask you to consider my story and see it as an encouragement. No matter what we do it does take time to heal, forgive, and move forward after a suicide. It takes time to come to terms that our unanswered questions may never be answered and it also takes time to accept that we sometimes don't need to know. God is so good, He doesn't leave us in times of sorrow, and we don't have to face grieving alone. When you choose to seek God through hard times it's just easier to walk it with God.
God's Promises
I will leave you with some of God's promises, may you find peace, hope, and relief in them. I encourage you to pray about these scriptures and declare them over yourself in Jesus name.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
(Psalm 147:3)
God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
(Psalm 46:1)
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
(Isaiah 40:31)
Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens,
and I will give you rest.
(Matthew 11:28)
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
(1Peter 5:7)
He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."
(Revelation 21:4)
I am praying for you,
Kendra Geneau
Return to Home
page
| 
